Wahoo Wire

Courtesy of http://blog.beliefnet.com/

With another No-win-ber upon us here at UVa, I’m becoming depressed and am longing for hoops to start.  After our drubbing at the hands of the Hurricanes, I thought about what the offense should say to the defense after the way they’ve performed this year and it should look something like this:

Dear UVa Defense,

We would like to apologize for ruining all your efforts this year.  You guys have played really well for us and we do absolutely nothing to help you out. Out of the 120 teams in Division I-A football, you guys are ranked 41^st in total defense, fifth in the ACC.  That’s awesome and it really shows how good you guys are as players and how good a defensive coach Al Groh really is.  You were predicted to have a rough year after losing all three starting linebackers but you’ve stepped it up and given us opportunities to win some football games.

We feel kinda bad for you.  It may seem like we enjoy the shade of our bench, but, in truth, we don’t.  We’d rather be out there on the field putting up points with our new “spread” attack.  Unfortunately for all of us, we aren’t very good at it.  We are ranked 118 out of those 120 schools in total offense.  Think about that…only two schools are worse than us on offense.  We are ranked 108^th in Time of Possession, which means we hold the ball for less than half the game on average.  This is probably because we can’t stay on the field past a third down since we’re 111^th in third down conversion percentage.  Oh, and we’ve had our chances to get those since we’ve had 134 third downs in nine games this year (that’s about 15 a game…and we convert about 4 of those).

That isn’t to say that we do everything poorly, however.  This has been one of our best years in terms of turnovers as we only average one turnover per game, good for eighth in the nation.  Although, this makes it more remarkable how bad we are when you guys end up on the field for 33-plus minutes and we aren’t turning the ball over or scoring.  Forget that point.

In short, we’re really sorry we’re so bad.  We’re sorry you guys get so tired that the other team scores almost double the points we do in the second half.  We’re sorry you guys can get six sacks in a game and lose.  We’re sorry for the seniors who will go their whole careers with only one bowl appearance and a career winning percentage below .500.  We’re sorry for the fans that got so excited for this new “potent” offense only to be bored to tears most games.  And we’re sorry for all the alumni of Virginia football who probably never thought they’d see a three win season from the program again.

We’re going to try to get better in practice so this doesn’t happen anymore.  But then, we are going up against you guys so we’ll probably stink as usual.

Sincerely,

The UVa Offense