I feel like some people could use a laugh when they look at a bracket after this past weekend, so I’ve printed out a new one and gone through picking the winners by the age old method of whose mascot would win in a fight.  To keep this simple, there are only two rules: it is a one on one battle between the two and the mascots can use any tools/equipment that come with their name.  I’ll be doing a round per day this week giving everyone something fun, and remotely interesting, to look forward to and, when it’s all over, we’ll see how it does against what really happens (usually not too well).  So enough talk, let’s rumble!

Midwest Region

Play in Game: Morehead State Eagles over Alabama State Hornets

If this was a swarm of hornets, I’d probably give them the edge but I just don’t see a single small insect taking down a bird.  And if you don’t like eagles, you don’t like America.

Morehead State Eagles over Louisville Cardinals

Cardinals eat at the birdfeeder in my backyard at home.  I’m pretty sure if an eagle showed up, both myself and the cardinals sitting there would crap themselves.

Siena Saints over Ohio State Buckeyes

What is a buckeye you ask?  It’s a nut.  I know saints are nice people and everything…but they do get hungry.  All he has to do is crack it and eat it and bam…he wins.  Unless he’s allergic to nuts…hm.

Utah Utes over Arizona Wildcats

I don’t know exactly what a Ute is, but I’m almost positive it’s a person from Utah.  People from Utah seem tough enough to handle a wildcat…it gets cold there.

Cleveland State Vikings over Wake Forest Demon Deacons

I’m taking Anglo Saxon England this semester and we just talked about the Vikings.  They had this ritual they’d do to the enemy king when they captured him called the “Blood Eagle” where they’d throw him face down on a table, split his rib-cage open from the back, pull out his lungs so they resembled wings, and get crunked.  I’ll give them the edge here.

West Virginia Mountaineers over Dayton Flyers

The flyers?  Like the paper things people hang up?  I certainly hope that isn’t it.  If it isn’t, then I’m going to assume they’re those guys you see in old movies trying to make alternate airplanes that keep breaking and crashing.  The mountain man would beat any of them…heck he could even say he was “helping” the guy take off over the edge of a cliff.

North Dakota State Bison over Kansas Jayhawks

An animal that weighs like 1,000 pounds…or a bird?  If a bison sat down on a jayhawk, it’s done.

USC Trojans over BC Eagles

If BC’s mascot were the Large Wooden Horses, then I might have to think about this one a little longer.

Michigan State Spartans over Robert Morris Colonials

Okay this one is a little tricky.  The Colonial would have a gun (advantage) but those things shot so bad, the chances he would hit the Spartan are slim to none.  And have you seen how long it takes to reload one of those old school things?  It seriously takes like 10 minutes!  By that time, the Spartan will have definitely killed him.

West Region

Connecticut Huskies over Chattanooga Mocs

I don’t know what a Moc is but it’s some sort of bird and birds don’t tend to do well against things with teeth.  Dogs have teeth.

BYU Cougars over Texas A&M Aggies

An “aggie” is someone who attends an agricultural school.  That’s a lame name and I’m pretty sure a college student vs. a cougar does not end well for the animal that drinks beer three times a week.

Purdue Boilermakers over Northern Iowa Panthers

This one might cause controversy because of the above situation but here’s my reasoning for this: the Boilermaker is like a steelworker kind of guy so he’s going to have, the very least, a shovel of some kind…and at the most, he’s going to have a welding torch.  Now you do the math on that one: man with fire or wild animal?  I think history has answered it for you.

Washington Huskies over Mississippi State Bulldogs

Bulldogs may be tougher looking but they’ve got stumpy legs and no neck.  There is no way a husky dog is losing to that…they do the Iditarod.

Marquette Golden Eagles over Utah State Aggies

More college kids…but this time, they’re fighting a bird.  Granted, they’d probably fare better than they did against the cougar, but I’m not sure I can definitely pick them.  This one’s a tossup but I’ll give it to the eagle because eagles are American!  Hoo-rah!

Missouri Tigers over Cornell Big Red

Big Red?  That’s a chewing gum.  Okay, who thinks the 99 cent pack of gum can stop the animal that mauled Roy?  No hands?

California Bears over Maryland Terrapins

Man, I know nothing intimidates me more than a turtle.  Watch out, he might run into your ankle with that hard shell of his…in a week.  The bear wins, no contest.

Cal State Northridge Matadors over Memphis Tigers

I know I invoked Roy earlier which would seem to give tigers the advantage but these guys are trained at dodging animals.  That’s a key here.  Also, they stab the bulls to make them mad and I’m betting bulls have more stamina after being stabbed a few times than a tiger.

East

East Tennessee State Buccaneers over Pittsburgh Panthers

Unless the pirate is Jack Sparrow, he should be able to take care of the panther easily.  And even if it is Jack, he would just make the panther swoon with his good looks.

Oklahoma State Cowboys over Tennessee Volunteers

It is generally a good bet to pick the guys who are getting paid to do stuff over the guys who just do it on the weekends.  Both have guns, both have horses, and both have whiskey…but who does it 9-5 every day?  Cowboys advance.

Florida State Seminoles over Wisconsin Badgers

Another intimidating animal to put as your mascot.  There wasn’t anything more exciting up there in Wisconsin?  Heck, even a moose would have been better…at least they wreck the car when you hit it.

Portland State Vikings over Xavier Musketeers

Contrary to their name, musketeers didn’t have guns…or at least Alexander Dumas doesn’t have them using them in his book and we all know that books are always true.  Plus, we already talked about the Vikings so, let’s move on.

UCLA Bruins over VCU Rams

This one would be close because the ram basically has a helmet to block the bear paw from breaking its skull.  Unfortunately, there still is the rest of its body where the bear could just bite or claw it that would be just as successful.

Villanova Wildcats over American Eagles

Oh boy, I might be a terrorist for calling this one.  But if you think about it, it really is no contest.  The only thing the eagle could do is fly around and even then, cats can jump.

Texas Longhorns over Minnesota Golden Gophers

A) I don’t even think golden gophers exist, B) if they do, it’s yet another lame-o name from way up north, and C) a bull would trample a gopher in a fight.

Duke Blue Devils over Binghamton Bearcats

You don’t want to mess with devils.  They do all kinds of weird curses and stuff that just mess with your mind and make you go crazy.  They can also possess you which is a big problem if you intend to beat them because you’ll just have to kill yourself and then he can leave your body at the last second.  Devil wins.

South

Radford Highlanders over North Carolina Tar Heels

This one took a little bit of research.  A Tar Heel is a nickname for anyone from the state of North Carolina that originates from the vast amounts of tar they exported in colonial times.  A Highlander is a Scottish soldier.  So, as it turns out, the matchup boils down to a tar maker vs. Braveheart.  I think Braveheart wins.

LSU Tigers over Butler Bulldogs

We’ve already talked about bulldogs being stumpy and tigers being killing machines so I’d say this one’s pretty easy.

Illinois Fighting Illini over Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

No one seems to know exactly what a hilltopper is but it is either a group of snooty rich people who fox hunt or an American singing group.  Neither of those things particularly impress me so I’m going to have to go with the group that has the word “fighting” in the name.

Gonzaga Bulldogs over Akron Zips

The Zips has to be one of the all-time weirdest names but here is what Princeton’s online dictionary says for it, “nothing: a quantity of no importance.”  Even a stumpy bulldog can beat that.

Arizona State Sun Devils over Temple Owls

I already talked about how you shouldn’t mess with devils so this one’s a no-brainer.

Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks over Syracuse Orange

Yes.  Now this is an awesome nickname.  I’m imagining a man with a red flannel shirt, huge beard, and axe picking up an orange and squeezing the juice out of it with his bare hand into his mouth.  Of course, he could be like this lumberjack…but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Clemson Tigers over Michigan Wolverines

Another interesting and close matchup here in the first round.  Both are vicious animals who are quick and skilled but, I’m going to pick the tiger though because it’s a larger animal and I think the wolverine would have trouble taking it down for the count.

Oklahoma Sooners over Morgan State Bears

A sooner is a settler who moved into the Oklahoma territory before the law allowing people to do so was signed by President Cleveland (a history bonus for you).  Now I don’t know how many of you played Oregon Trail, but you were a settler in that game and I’m almost positive you could shoot bears while in the hunting mode.

Well that wraps up the first round.  Check back tomorrow for the second round results of Mascot Madness.